Monday, May 16, 2011

If you were totally healthy what would you be doing?

Part of my recovery after mental health crisis is to develop new habits that foster a more positive SELF PERCEPTION and as a result this blog was born. This blog, I am learning as I go, is filling the gap for many needs I have in learning about myself, my diag-non-sense, and life in general. Seriously!

I was asked:

"If you were totally healthy what would you be doing?"

That question pretty well knocked me on my ass. I've been so busy trying to "survive" I'd forgotten whats its like to just LIVE. What is it like to live a healthy and ENTHUSIASTIC life? 

I have ALWAYS loved to read and for most of my life I have enjoyed writing. Over the last few years I have slowly waned my enthusiasm for both. Well, if I'm being honest with you all I've lost my enthusiasm for most things in my life hence the developing of new habits to foster a more positive self perception. When I was asked this very simple yet thought provoking question it still took me a couple weeks to really want to answer that question (with depression's ugly cousin's anxiety and worry letting my poor self esteem run amok making me believe I'd never be healthy again).

If I were totally healthy I would be learning and teaching. That is what life is ALL about to me. Learning and teaching, reading and writing, hearing and speaking, loving and being loved. It's the give and take in life that super charges me with that certain joie de vivre. Thats a pretty expansive answer. I needed specific behaviors that may be developed to measure my success with living my life in line with my ideals. (psycho-babble translation= eliminate some of this cognitive dissonance ruining my self worth).

I decided to write weekly, preferably Mondays (when I most needed the reminder to smile despite the tears) and outline my success with finding my way out of this lull my life has taken. I decided that I would keep a certain amount of anonymousness as to not put any undue pressure on myself to perform (not letting social anxiety take this away from me!). I knew there would be obstacles and decided a head of time no challenge would keep me from this very modest yet important self interrogation. 

Sharing my personal hell in a positive light would be my saving grace. Learning to develop my talents into a constructive project with real and immediate results (look Ma, I'm on the interwebs!) would help me believe in myself when hope was lost. 

Ya know what? IT'S WORKING! The best part of my week is sitting down in front of my computer and hacking out some words that resemble a story and posting it online for the world (a very small portion of the world) to see. Don't feel sorry for me for saying that. As depressing as that might sound it's actually PHENOMENAL. For the longest time the highlight of my week resembled sleeping or zoning out while a movie flashed colors in my face. I might even LET MYSELF write more than once a week! I'd like to develop some sort of structure to my blogging before slapping up my crap daily but for now its something I ACTUALLY LOOK FORWARD TO!!!! So I ask YOU:

If you were totally healthy what would you be doing?


  1. What an amazing post, and in interesting question. I'm trying to whink what my answer would be.

  2. I don't know. I have been depressed for so long....

  3. I think I am healthy. The frantic push-push-push-go and abrupt stop still exists in my life but it has calmed. A healthy dose of lithium of every night pushes me out of bed in the morning and able to see the day. I am loving, working and studying in a more real way now. The crushing defeat of hopelessness doesn't seep into my bones anymore and weigh down my sense of self. Instead, I come through and my heart beats frantically when I exercise and not because I cannot manage one more second of *this*. A friend of mine knows that my M.O. is to cancel our girls' date night at the last second because I will talk myself out of it, timid of another social situation. She also knows that to be a good friend she will make me come out because at this point, shedding the bad habits of ill mental health are the greatest struggle.

  4. What an excellent question! I'm moved to explore this further on my own, since I can't answer your question yet. Thank you for planting this little seed.

  5. Thank -you all for taking the time to read and comment! I am flattered.

    @Ms.F 'Deciding' to be healthy despite being on med's/working out your MO is a position of empowerment. I'm going to toy with this idea more!