Monday, May 23, 2011

Love me As I Am

I had given myself a weekly goal of writing this blog and have been achieving this for several weeks now. I want to add a new challenge or habit to my roster of well being. In keeping up with the momentum achieved by asking myself "If I were totally healthy what would I be doing" I thought it wise to reflect on this again last week. I decided daily physical activity was my best next step.

I'm coming clean. I have not been able to keep up with creating a daily intent on completing some sort of physical activity. I'm not sure if blogging about this will make me more accountable or what but it is what it is - now out there in blog land.

What I consider a success about this whole not-met objective is I have identified and I am willing to accept that I am unfairly worrying about how others perceive me. I am letting my mind take me to a consciously ridiculous place... okay, okay - I'll be nice to me - just keep reading.

Subconsciously I am sure this has served me as a great defense against more pain and hurt as I had become accustomed to expecting. I want to accept this part of who I am and let go of it. Sounds like a simple action but it is tedious. Identifying this as even being an issue is quite humbling and not always immediate... see the example of my taking a week to acknowledge I wasn't moving or shaking my ass in any sort of fit direction...

I now acknowledge that a big part of my self esteem issues are because of physical limitations and a way to get my energy up would be to get fit again. This is not a lost concept to me. I crave the energy and will to go out just walking. When my Dood asked me if I wanted to go for a walk to the park today I promptly responded by lurching into full blown panic and dread. I pictured me huffing and puffing and trying to keep up while wishing I was more fit as to be out just enjoying the air rather than struggling to accept myself... Ok I was focusing on non important events, amplifying and experiencing them before they even happened. If they would happen at all. Maybe, I would feel great being out and about.

Somewhere in my mixed bag of attacks of myself I did feel embarrassment or shame for being judged as overweight or gross by others who see me. I'm worried that I'm so out of shape I'll make a fool of myself once I start kettle-bell training (more on this another time). In my reasoning I am fully aware that if other people want to judge me thats good for them. I'm not out gawking and judging every person I pass (and when tempted I do try my best to let it go). So why would anyone be doing that to me? And if they did what would it matter, what affect could it have? Not much.

I will accept that worry and anxiety may come and thats OK. There is a part of me that is in shock and disbelief that doing something so simple is causing so much turmoil in my heart and brain. I have considered going for a walk today and decided I want to go very much but even more than that I don't want to go. I have been sick over it. Thats OK too. It's all OK. Comforting myself is sometimes needed and accepting that - while difficult - may save me in the worst of times. So today, smothered with self loathing and hate, I will comfort myself with warm tea, wonderful movies, and in a couple hours a delicious meal. I will drown my bad self esteem in pampering and treating me right. Eventually this little brat of a worry monster that lives inside of me will learn to trust me enough to bugger off and let me take the reigns a bit but for now, I'll love me as I am.

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