Monday, May 9, 2011

Privileged Pain

Despite all the trials and tribulations of life's problems I believe there is ALWAYS a solution.
Identify the problem and construct a solution.
It's good advice and even better when I take it myself. 
I didn't intend on using this blog to air all my 'dirty laundry'. 
I really want to share hope despite all the pain. 
What I'm realizing today that in certain instances to have hope you kind of have to put it all out there. 
Through the pain hopefully I can identify the problem...

Mother's Day is always a little hard. I have at best a very strained relationship with my mom. It was an abusive upbringing. Horrible at times. Insanely 'normal' at others. Either way I have not yet come to terms with the effect an alcoholic abusive mother has had on me.
I feel guilty that I am not stronger than I am to overcome the effect my upbringing has had. I love my mom and want nothing for the best for her. I just have nothing left inside me to give her. I have no capacity for any more lies, manipulation... it's exhausting just thinking about it. I am embarrassed I don't even know how to get a hold of her... no number; I'm not even sure where she's living these days. 

There were many great opportunities my life has given me. I always had a roof. I always had food. I was clothed. There are some basic needs not being met all around the world that I took for granted. Hell, most days I still do. I always had the internet and power. I have a decent education... SO MUCH GUILT. I don't feel guilty for my advantages. I'm guilty that I haven't seemed capable of capitalizing on them. I feel guilty I am depressed, socially anxious, on leave from work, not more available to family, not more available to myself...

I KNOW my mother makes her own choices. It is not be responsibility to maintain a relationship with someone who is hurtful. I am not a bad person for wanting something else. It's 'normal' to feel the way I do. I know all sorts of things about how I feel. Knowing something and feeling differently is a major source of anxiety for me. 

I am going to a psychologist tomorrow who specializes in helping people with backgrounds just as such. 

And I just HOPE that this time.... this time it helps.

1 comment:

  1. What a beautiful post, you have been though it. You have nothing to feel guilty about. Keep on with the hope