Wednesday, June 1, 2011

Crazy Changes

Something totally crazy happened about a week ago. I didn't need reminding to go shower every couple days. I wanted to be clean more than I wanted to die. I started eating something during the first couple hours of the day more often than not, even if it was just a dill pickle and yogurt (I'm judging this on extraordinary effort - not perfection, folks). I was actually looking forward to seeing my significant other rather than viewing it as encroachment on my self imposed exile... but when did this change happen, why did it come about?

I became aware of my healing power about the time I realized my difficultly with accepting that PERFECT little ME (not really, thats just what my inner critic thinks) was TRULY in need of HELP (gasp) because I am SICK with a TREATABLE condition (Ummm, conditions).

Far out, right?

I took that knowledge with me to a trigger situation today. I spoke to someone from HR(work) about my current state of affairs financially and mentally (they leave much to be desired).

I realized my success when I was done with the conversation. I hadn't started crying. I didn't cry on the call OR after the call. Nor did I feel the urge to cry. I was a little uneasy, anxious if you will. You know, the whole seasick from your brain-swishing-around feeling in the pit of your stomach. My shoulders were tense, my breath was short and my jaw was clenched. But it wasn't a panic attack. I wasn't a sobbing emotional mess and I wasn't in full on panic mode. Just being AWARE of my body in this form gave me a moment of pride.


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