One night a couple weeks ago I was incredibly depressed... well, more than usual. My symptoms were MUCH worse than usual. I couldn't sleep because I couldn't stop crying. CBT would have me try to pinpoint the thoughts causing the tearful reaction but I'll tell you now that was a practice in futility. I got out of bed, lit a candle and sitting in the flickering light I sobbed silently and relentlessly from deep inside my soul.
Drying my eyes and sniffling I thought I had myself calmed enough but nope. No way. I still wasn't ready for bed. There was that lump in my throat and burning sensation behind my eyes forcing me to acknowledge the water pressure building up behind the floodgate. Thinking to myself "Okay, brain. You wanna play? You wanna be sad?". And so I began to write one of those really long winded, pour your heart out, would never deliver in a million years sort of letters.
It was a good one. The kind of letter where the ink looks all splotchy because I was writing so furiously and there were so many tears. Its hard to tell in some places what is water smudged and what is a rushed hand. In the end I was smiling. I guess I have a few demons inside that bubble up unidentified until I put the pen to paper. It was sad stuff I was writing about. Regret, apologies, and grief stained the pages I filled in the darkest hours of the night. I had something to be sad about, a real issue in my life, and hacked out all my emotions surrounding it. I felt accomplished- no- present. I was very much aware of my 5 senses and all my emotional ill was temporarily transferred to the paper so that I could neatly slide it in a drawer and put it all away for the night. It was enough relief that at the very least I managed to get to sleep shortly after.
The best or most startlingly beauitful bit of this whole experience came several days later. The person I had written the letter to contacted me out of the blue to express regret for lost time and offer sincere support, hearing of my mental health struggles. No words need describe my profound gratitude for her kindness in reaching out. I love her so much.
I love this universe and all its little affirmations.