My heart is breaking with indecisiveness. It's like wanting something really badly but no matter what I try to do to satisfy the want it's impossible to feel engaged or enthused about anything. It's painful. I didn't do much today except make food. Much of my self-esteem issues are tied into my weight but honestly I like to eat. I like food, I like making food.
For now the fact that I'm making food and I'm not always buying something prepackaged or premade, is something I should be happy for. I'm not satisfied with this. It feels like half assed taking care of myself.
I want to be healthy. I do! I don't want to exercise and don't want to move. I don't want to leave my house. I don't want to get sweaty or lose my breath. Honestly!
Right now it seems I don't want those things more than I want to be healthy. Maybe that's true. Maybe I'm being impatient and I am expecting or wanting more of myself before I'm ready. I miss being in shape and going dancing or running.
I don't do much of anything anymore. I want to start doing 'things' again, soon. I want to want... Really I just want to sleep and eat. I'm just bored and tired of myself all the time.
This is such a downer post. I don't mean to be a downer. That's just kind of where depression has my mind hostage right now.
Gotta case of the hump-day grumps. Baking always helps my mood so back to the kitchen I go. Hi ho hi ho it's off to bake I go...