Tuesday, January 10, 2012

New Project: Unintended Benefits

I started a new project a little over a week ago. Basically all I am doing is recording my time spent and on what. Really simple. The ultimate goal (which is evolving) is to have a genuine appreciation of  the positive efforts in my life. I want to be able to ignore my poor self esteem based on observable facts. I can't trust my ill mind to judge my behavior objectively enough to function like a "normal" human being without discrediting any effort I make to be me and happy.

Getting Started

I already had a note book, pen, and clock so the project in and of itself took nothing at all to start. Well, nothing but effort, but that is actually an unintended benefit. I was worried I wouldn't have the ambition to complete my log regularly. And I was right! It is not something I have succeeded with everyday since I started. I have, however, managed to log several days worth of activity.

What Did I Learn?

I don't grant myself the patience and attention to log my time unless I am alone. I don't even engage myself in any measurable activity unless I am alone. This includes the time my significant other spends at home. I freeze up. All ambition leaves me and I simply exist. Nothing spectacular but I survive so there is that :-/

I also learned that I spend most of my time that seems "lost", on twitter. I don't think I needed to record my time spent on twitter to be aware of the time I spend there but the amount is a little absurd. I try to rationalize this by saying this is my source for most news, socialization, networking on healing... yea. I think honing in some allowable twitter time in my day is appropriate once I start making changes.

For now I am not making any changes. Honestly, I am lacking energy so most days having any sort of plan is out the window before it even starts but I want to get back to feeling productive. Making lists, crossing things off. You know what I mean. I want to decide to do something and be able to say I've done it!

Unintended Benefit

When I'm alone it's very easy to sink into an immobile lump in the duvet and spend my day reading blogs or tweets. Many days I forget to eat all together. Seriously sounds infantile but I forget to feed and water myself regulariuly. Then I binge on sugary food in the evening then I sleep poorly. What a shocker.

What I hadn't thought would be a benefit to logging my time spent on this or that is I am actually noticing myself held accountable for self care. If I see a list of activities like "An hour cuddling kitty" and "an hour on twitter" alternating back and forth I see my lack of self care. Not seeing any time spent on self care reminds me, I need to be taken care of! I'm holding myself more accountable for the bare minimums and its become less of an effort on those days when I notice. It's less a feeling of effort and more a feeling pro-active automatic reaction.

So, What Next?

I'm not sure if what I've noticed or what this may become is all too remarkable. It does have me thinking though. I feel incapable of taking care of myself many days. With logging my time and wanting the feeling of being engaged with my day this gives me an opportunity to map how my time effects my mood. If I manage to set up intentions for 2012 and log my time it seems within reason I can logistically plan success. I'll eventually target and limit behavior that leaves me feeling poorly and focus on behavior that leaves me feeling good about myself. Like feeding and watering myself. I know it's only nourishment but c'mon folks. Bitches gotta eat.


  1. I love this post! Your honesty and ambitions and realism. You rule!

  2. That's so very kind. I appreciate it.